For most people, the new year is a time to try out new habits and visualize big accomplishments.
I don’t go for this.
The surest way to strangle your passion for something is to wrap a goal around it.
Here’s a regrettable example from my life. Last January, I signed up for a triathlon. After 5 months of unfocused but consistent training, I suddenly realized the race date was fast-approaching. I had to get ready.
I planned all exercise around training.
Yoga? Only if it could be considered a cool-down.
Hiking? Better go for a run instead.
Cycling? Necessary for training, so I substituted training trials for my much-loved rambling rides with my husband.
I stuck with it. I competed in that triathlon.
Then, worn out from the mental effort, I promptly stopped cycling, hiking, yoga, and every other form of exercise I enjoy.
This is the problem with goal setting.
Conventional wisdom tells us the route to success is to work towards achievements that are accountable and measurable. It works. I finished my first triathlon.
But, I don’t really care that much about being a triathlete. All I want is to be fit enough to do things that are fun, like hiking and kayaking.
Through the process of planning workouts, I disconnected from my daily desires. It took 2 months to get back in the flow.
As soon as I started working out again, my goal-oriented husband asked what I was training for.
After suppressing the urge to either cry or shake him, I simply said, “I want to feel strong.”
And that’s true. But, really, I just weirdly enjoy getting up way earlier than I need to and going to boot camp. My yoga classes get me out of the house, which combined with the effects of yoga, makes me a little saner.
I do it, because I like to.
Which brings me back to my husband.
He pushes me to make goals around my fitness, because that’s what he does. He’s crazy runner that covers distances most of us will never approach. Just last month, he ran a 50 mile race in the Marin Headlands. In the rain. So he could qualify for a 100 mile race in the Sierras.
My husband says wrapping goals around his racing is motivating. I don’t buy it.
My husband runs these insane distances, because it makes him happy.
Look how he’s smiling as he approaches the finish line. He does that every time.
He does it, because he likes to.
This is actually a lot harder than it sounds.
Every day, you distract yourself from doing the things you want to do.
You get the urge to go for a walk but turn on the TV instead, or you have a killer idea for a blog post but spend the next 30 minutes checking up on Facebook.
Connecting to the desire that’s coming up right in this moment is actually really hard. Harder than meeting your most audacious goals, even.
It also happens to be more productive.
What would you like to be doing right now?
I feel so frustrated about so many things right now. One of my biggest obstacles is having other major obligations, then couple that with impatience and I find myself in a cyclical process of advances and setbacks.
At least I can answer the question, however, and say that the the thing I’d rather be doing is here and now, writing this comment, connecting with people. That is a skill that comes so naturally yet is still challenging. Yes, I have quite a difficult time connecting to my desires.
Sandra recently posted..Sitting down on Sundays: The Anti-Resolution of a New Year
Thank you for commenting, Sandra. You’ve brought up something so important — that the things we want to do aren’t always easy. There’s this idea that if we do what we like, we’ll just laze around. But when you tune into what your body and your inner voice are really calling for, you find that the things you feel like doing are often much harder than you expected.
It’s really hard to stay in the moment when there are things you want to change. It’s also the only way to make the changes you want — to let go of your attachment to what you want and just go about it in the small ways you can right now.
Hi Bridgitte,
I love this post and I so agree. I continually suck the life out of endeavors by getting too caught up in making goals. It’s a tricky balance, because I need to establish work habits to get myself to do things that I like that are hard. I also relate to the comments about that. I do know that staying in the moment is the only way to make anything enjoyable. It doesn’t come naturally for me.
Brigitte, this is such a great post.
As someone who would much rather go for a 15 minute walk than spend hours in a gym, I’m totally in agreement about doing what you love rather than what you feel you ‘should’ do!
Your last couple of paragraphs are the ones I need to keep reminding myself of. Too much Facebook = wasted time and feeling bad. Doing the thing you love and really want to do = being productive, and smiling as big as your hubby as he reaches the finish line!! Should be a no-brainer, but as you say, it’s usually a lot harder than it sounds!
“Connecting to the desire that’s coming up right in this moment is actually really hard. Harder than meeting your most audacious goals, even. It also happens to be more productive.”
Hmm, there’s a lot to tease out there. I usually have more success connecting to what I want to do right now, rather than to those audacious goals– which is why I’ve been working on breaking down those audacious goals (move, set up business, get paid to do what I love) into bite-size pieces that I can turn to and tell myself (a little browbeating is healthy, right?) that I need to do, to get there.
I’m not sure which activities I would term more productive however. For example, between dancing to Cee Lo Green in my living room or plugging in my printer to see if it works and is worth moving cross-country… ?? An intriguing thought for a post! :)
Margaret recently posted..When in Doubt, Part 6: Average a Book a Week, Or, Be Voracious
Hi Margaret – Thanks for adding your perspective to the discussion! I like to replace the framework of goals with “planning ahead” in these cases.
Taking the example of the 100 mile race my husband wants to run — there’s actually a lot of barriers. First, he had to qualify. Now, there’s a lottery. There are also ways to improve your chances in the lottery (like volunteering at the next race). So he has to plan ahead; it won’t just happen all by itself.
Most people call this goal-setting, but I don’t like the attachment that goes along with goals. What if what you want now changes? What if you start building your business, but a great job comes along? There’s typically a lot of shame involved when you don’t “meet a goal” but not when “my priorities changed” or “a new opportunity came up.”
[...] Day, I was feeling pretty good because I’d come up with four big goals for 2013, when I read this post from Brigitte, where she talks about how you shouldn’t set goals for the new [...]
Holy Cow but do I do this! I constantly talk myself out of exercising (eww, you’ll get sweaty! you’re already tired, just imagine how miserable you’ll be after that! missing one day won’t hurt you) or even into eating something less-than-healthy (if you don’t eat it now you’ll think about it all day, you’ve been good so you deserve a treat, what harm can one little candy bar do?). One of my 2013 Goals is to pay attention so I can catch myself.
Haha! I actually have a companion post coming out next week with my strategy for dealing with excuses.
Great post. But, what about those times when it’s the weekend and it’s winter and you’re like “I really, really just want to watch another episode of Law and Order.” How do you deal with those days?
I don’t! Cycles of rest are just as important as cycles of activity.
This is not going to apply to everyone — but I really only have two settings. On or off. When I’m on, I’m hyper productive. When I’m off, I’m not. For me, balance is measured in weeks or months, not days.
[...] not setting goals. I don’t have a fancy alarm clock that rolls [...]