I’ve wanted to write about this for a long time. No preamble this time. The myths speak for themselves.
Myth 1. Extroverts don’t have feelings.
I can only assume that introverts think this about extroverts when I read articles like Revenge of the Introverts.
I get it. I talk too much. I’m loud. You feel overlooked and marginalized. You’re afraid you’re being left out.
That said….
WE ALL FEEL LEFT OUT.
You don’t have the market cornered on feeling unwanted or under-appreciated..
I’m not your enemy, and it hurts my feelings when you label me as one. Stop it.
Myth 2. Extroverts are naturally outgoing.
For reasons completely beyond my powers of comprehension, introverts think they have the market cornered on social anxiety.
Well, I’m here to inform you otherwise. Take a moment to dip into my world.
I consistently embarrass myself in public, because I just can’t seem to STFU.
Do you even know what happens to the loud kids? THEY GET LAUGHED AT. ALL THE TIME.
True story.
I wish I could be like you. You know when — and how — to keep your mouth shut. It protects you from the particular brand of bullying, wherein kids pick on what you have to say. Do you know how demoralizing that is? It’s enough to make a kid feel like the world’s biggest loser.
Now, I know there’s rampant bullying in schools, and it gets a lot worse than tricking a girl into thinking you want to talk to her, just so you can pick apart her words. Body snarking. Class warfare. It all goes on, and it needs to stop.
Can we set that side for a minute, just so you can feel what I’m saying?
I’ve been burned before, publicly. I’m just as scared to open myself up to you, as you are to me. Some extroverts present as shy and don’t even realize that they are, in fact, extroverts. Because somehow we’re not allowed to feel insecure.
Myth 3. Extroverts aren’t introspective.
A common argument is that introverts think and extroverts act.
As my counter-argument, I present this entire blog.
Myth 4. Extroverts don’t want to hear what you have to say.
Nothing could be further from the truth! I’m intensely interested in other people. That’s kind of the definition of extroversion. I get high off being around you.
But I do understand the source of the confusion — and it’s something I work on every day.
When I get excited, I tend to talk my ass off. I can’t seem to help it, although I am getting better. Later, I am totally traumatized, because:
A: I am petrified of being a bore, and I’m certain you don’t like me.
B: I wanted to learn all about you, and I totally sabotaged myself.
So I stop myself, sometimes mid-thought, to turn the conversation back on you.
But here’s the thing about us extroverts. We aren’t comfortable with silence. For me, silence = social rejection. This is problematic, because introverts generally take more time to choose their words. So when the silence stretches on too long, we freak out and start to fill it.
Opportunity lost. :(
Which brings me to my final point.
Myth 5. Extroverts are self-absorbed bastards, who are stomping all over you.
Isn’t this the crux of those articles? That we’re at war.
Fuck that.
Extroverts, by their very nature, really, really, really want to get to know you. We don’t win by marginalizing you.
Sure, we can — and should — work on being more sensitive to your needs. I agree with that. Every human being should work on empathy. That’d be awesome.
Also. It goes both ways.
If I have to get over my fear of prolonged silences, then you can work on being more spontaneous with your responses. (Tip: something as simple as saying, “Let me think about that for a second,” works wonders to allay our fears.)
Deal?
Reject the dichotomy. We’re in this together.
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I’m not sure this article is as dismissive of extroverts as you seem to think. I think the article argues that extroverts are well and good, and offer a lot, but trying to push introverts into an extrovert mold is exhausting and painful.
I DO believe the current iteration of society is not favorable for introverts. Social media, business schmoozing, self-marketing, etc. is exhausting to me. Trying to live the life I feel is rejuvenating has caused me to be labeled “lame” or “mousy.” I don’t know how many times I’ve been told, “I used to think you were boring, then I got to know you…” which I have to think is a common introvert experience. Our society, which is based on instant consumption and snap judgments, does not favor the more deliberate/meditative pace of introverts.
I don’t think introverts feel left out—that is an extrovert’s complaint. Introverts find the whole experience of being “left in” exhausting!
I assume you’re referring to the first article out of the three I linked to. The text could be worse, but the title “Revenge of the Introverts” and the images chosen (extroverts are best represented drunken frat boys, really??) send a clear message. Introverts are undervalued / extroverts are overvalued.
I don’t buy it.
For most of us, the differences aren’t so clear-cut. I love social media, true, but networking scares the crap out of me. Self-promotion gives me hives. I spend more of my time reading than out socializing.
But articles like this perpetuate the issue you mention.
You hear, “I used to think you were boring, then I got to know you…”
I hear, “I used to think you were obnoxious, then I got to know you…”
You’re told to speak up, I’m told to shut up. These messages don’t help either of us.
I can’t tell you how many articles I’ve read on how I need to change my personality, so it’s not as offensive to introverts. That’s hurtful, and it’s non-productive. We both have the responsibility to find common ground.
(I’m using the royal we — as you’re among my best friends, and make a great model for how two opposites on the spectrum can learn from each other.)
I understand your point, but I think the book that spawned these articles (Quiet: The Power of Introverts) is not suggesting that extroverts change. Of course, MSM likes to take the most buzz-worthy interpretation of a whole nuanced argument.
And I’m sure you have encountered rough situations due to your extroversion. But I think the larger point here is irrefutable. Current business practices and the common culture favor extroverts. I’m not saying this was always the case–in fact, I know it wasn’t. And introverts can learn to navigate in this world, but it is draining. I think more so than extroversion, introverts are labeled as “weird” or told to “suck it up” to operate nowadays.
“Current business practices and the common culture favor extroverts.” I disagree.
For one, it’s impossible to judge who is an extrovert vs an introvert based on how they present in their work environment. How can you know, looking in from the outside, if a person is energized or drained from social interaction?
Second, introverts can do quite well in business. Take Lucus. He’s an extreme introvert, according to his Myers-Briggs type (less than 1% of the population share his characteristics). Yet he thrives in his position.
Third, labels get applied to both sides.
Fourth, extroverts don’t enjoy many common business practices, either! Endless meetings, inane e-mails, spammy promotion. Put me out of my misery.
Standard American business practices aren’t set up to bring out the best of anyone.
I love that you wrote this. I don’t think the dichotomy helps anyone either ~ casting introverts as an oppressed minority is something of an exaggeration, in my mind.
I’m an introvert, and I love my extrovert friends. I marvel at them. I relax into the way they carry the conversation. And I encourage them not to apologize for talking too much. They’re my friends *because* of who they are, not in spite of it.
I think much of the answer to this back-and-forth comes down to understanding and accepting who you are. Introvert and extrovert are useful concepts to help us know how to take care of ourselves, why we respond a certain way in social situations or alone. But they aren’t helpful when we use them to take sides.
Not to mention that many people have elements of both traits! I’m very extroverted when I’m in the right group. And I’ve noticed a certain amount of loneliness this year, since we’re traveling and away from friends. I would kill for a good conference right now!
Alison Gresik recently posted..How Following My Desires Led Me to a Memoir: Part 1, Genesis
“Introvert and extrovert are useful concepts to help us know how to take care of ourselves, why we respond a certain way in social situations or alone.” <– So true! For instance, when Lucus and I understood that our personality types meant we responded to certain situations differently, we became better at communicating. But the only reason this worked is, well, we worked at it. :)
Are you going to be back for WDS?
As an introvert, I find myself nodding to each of those. In part because the opposite myth (and sometimes the same myth) gets applied to me.
Being an introvert or extrovert is only a small part of someone’s story. How they live out that trait varies widely from person to person. But it’s easy to make a quick judgement based on a label or single piece of information (I know I’m guilty of that sometimes). Chimamanda Adichie’s TED talk “The Danger of a Single Story” comes to mind.
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And I’m off to watch that TED talk right now. Thanks for sharing, Josh!
Introvert reporting for duty. I’m not socially anxious, so you can keep that one if you want :)
And I don’t usually feel left out, but I might choose not stick around long if things get loud. The myths work both ways. Extro/Intro is a handy way to help understand yourself and others, but we’re all on a spectrum and not either/or. Appreciate that you made some noise about this.
You must have a secret sauce if you’re never nervous about social interactions — I’d like some of that! ;-)
I tease, but I understand where you’re coming from. The reason I included the line on social anxiety is it’s a point often made in the introvert vs extrovert articles. For instance, the post I linked to says, “My co-workers never think I’m introverted because of the large amount of time I spend presenting, training, and dealing with people. All of these experiences are tinged with fear, anxiety, and hours of preparation.”
My point was that those fears are common to most people, personality type aside.
The truth of this made me LOL several times. Thanks for standing up for the big mouths!
Awesome! Thanks for chiming in, Antoinette!
[...] grand ideas but limited resources? Don’t miss the free PR Ideas for Busy People.In response to my post on extroverts, Sarah made an interesting assertion. “…I think the larger point here is irrefutable. [...]
I love extroverts. Unfortunately they often don’t know when to STFU, can be domineering put you on the spot and refuse to let you be yourself. As an introvert, the only thing I’ve ever asked is to not be pathologized, forced to do what I don’t want, or put on the spot. Extroverts want understanding and acceptance and introverts want that as well. Extroverts need to learn to meet us half way.
I completely agree about meeting halfway. In this post, I’m reacting to the flurry of articles that have come to light, arguing that we’re living in an extrovert’s world. That somehow extroverts are all a bunch of bullies.
But the behavior your comment (and the articles) describe is behavior no one wants to put up with, extroverts included. I’m fed up with being lumped into this group.
THANK YOU! SO Much for writing this article.
As an extrovert myself, it pains me to see every single “pro-introvert” article literally bashing and stereotyping us E’s.
The WORST is the stereotype that society favors us. PUH-LEASE!
1. More often than not, I’M the social outcast for being “loud,” “brash,” and “not thinking before I speak”! Leaving the intros to silently mock me with their eyes. I see it! And it hurts.
2. In high school? All the chicks dug the “strong, silent-type” who could barely speak in full sentences.
3. At work? The advice I’m given is “just keep your head down.”
Society favors Introverts? REALLY?
Rant done! GREAT article, Brigitte. I’m going to read more of your stuff now!
I feel you. I don’t mind introverts asserting, “This is what I need from you,” but there has to be a middle ground. No one has it easy.
I love you so much for writing this. I am 100% extroverted and was teased mercilessly in elementary school because I was smart and chubby. Then in middle school I got hot and turned out to be really good at sports and thus became super popular overnight. On the outside I look like I have the perfect job at the perfect law firm, the perfect husband, in great shape etc. but really I am 110% sure everyone thinks I am absolutely ridiculous. I talk because I am desperate for approval even when I know you will like me more if I let you talk about you. People like to talk about themselves; I know this. So why when I am nervous/excited do I have word vomit? SELF SABOTAGE. You are so right.
Hi, I just found your blog -YAY- because I kept coming across websites talking about how great it was to be an introvert, and how dumb and shallow and superficial extroverts are.
As an extrovert who is highly sensitive, highly intelligent, highly empathic AND highly diplomatic BECAUSE I am so in tune with other people, I am a real-life example of the wrongness of this stereotype.
I agree with Johny B 100%. I had a grad school professor who said that extroverts are superficial, and I’ve seen similar things written in articles. Lately it seems the introvert/extrovert comparisons and war has gotten out of control, and there’s all of these people- authors, bloggers, etc- coming out and speaking up about the amazing qualities of introverts and why its better to be an introvert because extroverts suck. Honestly, I wasn’t sure WHY people thought this was an extrovert world. Social and emotional intelligence wasn’t even a THING until just a few years ago! And I have worked in very people-oriented industries, and in neither one has being an extrovert helped climb up the ladder. The most respected in both fields have been introverts, they are considered the smart, ambitious ones.
To Shytrovert: I have introvert friends and parents who are domineering, have put me on the spot and don’t really know how to let me be myself. As the only extrovert in a family of introverts, I understand YOU more than you understand ME.
And the truth of the matter is, I am extremely non-judgmental, non-controlling, and very diplomatic. Being an extrovert is about where you get your energy. And yes, I process thoughts by talking, which most people are very judgy about…..
Most importantly, I have an INTENSE FEAR OF PROLONGED SILENCES!!! Wow, that is so true, you really hit the nail on the head with this one…..I just can’t stand it. It’s not that we are ultra-confident or secure or have no fear, its the way we handle discomfort. I’d rather talk than have to deal with long silences. Luckily, I’ve mastered the art of asking questions and listening, and for some reason people tend to open up to me anyway, so I don’t have to try that hard…… If they talk, I can listen. And there’s no awkward silence. Piece of cake.
Cute site, I haven’t looked around yet, but I will. Thanks for this article. It is nice to see that in a world of introverts who judge us so harshly, some of us took the time to tell it from our perspective.
Not all introverts are the same and not all extroverts are the same, you asked me to share my feelings, so I will:
This is stereo typing people (like me) who chose not to talk as much as others, maybe we just would rather listen to others,
Just because we are labeled Introverts, it doesn’t mean thats why we act a serration way, maybe we also don’t like silence, but we can’t fill it ourselves,
I’m sorry if you’ve met a few people you don’t like that happen to be Introverts, doesn’t mean you have to push all your problems on the rest of us,
And lastly, I don’t think people that don’t like you, don’t like every other Extravert, maybe they just don’t like you, try over again with someone new, don’t blame it on the whole category.
Thank you for writing this, I know even though I didn’t completely agree with this, others did, but I just wish you didn’t judge Introverts because of a word that may describe them,
Thanks again, Finny
[...] Some more about an extrovert’s perspective. [...]
Hi
I think this is a great article
I’m an introvert and I love extroverts, they are much easy to get to know as they aren’t afraid to talk first which is a big plus because it puts me more at ease
I do prefer to be with multiple extroverts so I won’t have to try and quickly fill silences… however too many extroverts at once can be overwhelming- by the time I think of what I want to say the conversation has already zoomed off haha
It will always be hard for extroverts and introverts to properly understand eachother.
The key is for extroverts to be more patient when getting to know an introvert and not assume quiet means boring (It may take some time but introverts can become very chatty onces you know them), while introverts should not be so afraid to speak up for fear that noone will listen/ care and should not mistake loud people for being shallow and self obsessed
Also introverts are often bitter because when we are young we are dismissed by society (ie school) as being less able than extroverted types
examples-
Teacher: she never contributes in class so she therefore doesn’t undertand a thing or isn’t listening
when actually I just don’t feel comfortable sharing my ideas with others
Teacher: You can be narator in the school play because you aren’t as good at acting
When actually I’m better I’m just not as loud as the kid with the main part
Teacher: Your a day dreamer aren’t you?… well day dreamers don’t get very far in life
This was genuinely said to me!
This is a really really cool article, it really clears up so many myths I had about extroverts.
It’s just that, not all extroverts are like you, in the same way not all introverts are the same. I love reading about extrovert needs and feelings. I’ve set up my own blog detailing what happens to me when I get drained from too much social activity. I want to understand and help others understand the differences so I can find solutions to this divide.
Sometimes it does feel like we’re at war. When I get drained, my thoughts turn to shit and everything seems awful and not fair. I can only assume it feels the same when you’ve been alone for too long.
I think it feels this way because the extroverted approach is more celebrated. Introverts seem to have a harder time throughout life and not school, simply because people seem to focus on the quieter part of the introvert personality and give it a negative light (such as wanting to be alone mean’s you’re anti-social and hate people etc) and paints the “out-going” side of an extrovert (for want of a better word), as positive and the norm.
Introverts know that there are extroverts that “get them,” at least I have known some. It is the ones that don’t or go to the extreme that skew the view of extroverts towards the myths, just like persons whose behaviors reinforce ethnic stereotypes. But society would benefit a lot more by moving towards balance between the two. I have seen an extrovert benefit from embracing the more introverted aspects of spirituality without necessarily being less extroverted, for example.
Extroverts are intensely interested in people like a druggie is interested in drugs. They get a buzz of energy from being around you if you’re entertaining or making them feel good through flattery. If you’re not, they’re off buzzing to the next person. They are energy vampires and they collect people and experiences to collect more people and get more energy off of those people. They care about themselves. They mostly enjoy hearing themselves talk and they need to be the center of attention. They also like to be top dog and have a will to dominate over others. People, worshiping them, entertaining them and making them feel good is their drug.